I’m Sorry: An Overdue Love Letter to My Deepest Self

By Cheyenne Ferlazzo

Dear Self,

I just want to say I am so sorry for being hard on you all of these years. I realize I never let you be yourself. I never tell you how beautiful and perfect you are.

And you are.

How grateful I am that you are healthy and strong, and that you have been with me through every single celebration, challenge, and heartbreaking, fucked up, devastating loss I have ever experienced.

I love you so much for getting me up that mountain after the divorce was final- for somehow letting me survive when he didn’t, for recovering after every single illness and injury and for the infinite, ridiculous amount of pleasure you have allowed me all these years- for your ability to run miles and miles and to rest and dream. To resist illness and disease to respond to stimulation and to seek ways to constantly look and feel better.

I admire the way your little toes curl and all your little scars earned from the waterbed, the car metal, the door, the paper cut, the baking sheet, the baby and chicken pox…and the burns.

I am so proud of you and so lucky to have you.

The beautiful way tattoos look on your skin. The way you practice yoga and the elegant posture you’ve achieved. I’m in love with your long torso and innie belly button, your mom’s delicate fingers and nose – your dad’s kind eyes.

I love the way your lungs inhale and exhale still,  how you are strong enough to do 50 squats a day and chase around little kids, going up and down stairs.

And I love

Love

Love

How you move when you dance.

I am in love with your crazy two different colored eyes (heterochromia- Greek – different color, relative lack or excess of melanin) and how special and precious that is.

I love your wild curly hair and how you can straighten it whenever you please.

You have the most beautiful way of bending and stretching and experiencing pleasure and pain and healing and recovering, and attracting beautiful friends and lovers into your life.

I love your tiny, petite frame and how you grew to the perfect size of 5’4 and a half.

I’m so sorry that I haven’t ever told you.

I haven’t thanked you before and worse – that I have rejected you, been ashamed of you, resented you, for so long.

I’m so sorry I ignored and even hated and hurt you year after year.

I didn’t know how to see you and love you and all of your magic.

I neglected and starved you – I never let you eat anything delicious or fun.

Please forgive me.

Let’s start right now: today – I promise to appreciate and love you as much as I can, no matter what.

I promise to clean you, hug you, and praise you, feed you, and clothe you in beautiful colors.

I promise to display art all over your body.

I will always give you pleasure and excitement, warmth and comfort- I’ll push you and stretch you and challenge you and appreciate you for all that you are, that you have done and will do.

You are a beautiful, generous gift from my ancestors, generations and generations of DNA, genes passed down for ages to create a perfect, glowing, fiery, spectacularly extraordinary creature-me!

I will honor and nurture you from this day forward.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Amen.

Love, Me

 

 

 

 

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Cheyenne Ferlazzo
I am a Kindergarten teacher turned wild writer. I believe in Tom Robbins, lavender baths, magic, and diving deep into the heart of the hurt -to pull out the story that will transform me. I believe in writing it all down and resting for a while. I believe I am haunted with words in the best possible way.
Cheyenne Ferlazzo

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